Oh the vainess and the frailties

and the foolishness of.........me.

God is amazing.  I know you're probably not surprised.  I'm not either.  But what does surprise me is how often He is amazing to me.  Who am I?  He has billions of other people to worry about, but He still finds time for me, even when I don't make time for Him.

Last night I was going to go to a book group at my friend's house.  But during the day, most of the members of the group told me they were busy or sick or just couldn't come.  That left me and my friend Stephanie, whose house it was at.  Book group isn't quite as fun when you don't have a whole group, so I thought about asking Stephanie if she wanted to cancel.  Knowing how introverted she is, I knew she's breathe a sigh of relief at less social interaction.  But something told me to go anyway.  I thought that maybe it was the Spirit telling me that she needed some girl talk.  So I packed up a bag of cookies and drove to her house.

We didn't talk about anything much, just this and that as moms do.  And then I think things got a little awkward, like she was wondering why I was there.  She thought it was so nice of me to bring cookies but wasn't feeling well enough to eat them.  So we had a nice visit and before very long I was on my way home with a bag full of cookies.  As I drove, I thought, "Here I am with this big bag of cookies and Nathan isn't expecting me home for a while.  Where should I go?"  I thought about each of the sisters I visit teach.  One I had visited not long ago.  Another was always hard to track down, but I'd recently left a loaf of bread for her.  Then I thought of "Maria". 

Maria is a sweet, sweet lady who is having a very hard life right now.  She is a single mom of two kids with a horrible ex.  She has often admitted to me that she wished he would die.  (Heh heh, talk about awkward visiting teaching moments!  What do I say? "Well, you know, murder is generally frowned upon...")  Anyway, she works all day, sometimes until 10pm cleaning offices and has to take her poor kids with her.  She has a few problems with the Church, but she stays active because she wants her children to go.  When I was first assigned to her we got on quite well, but in the last little while she had stopped returning my text messages.  (She has never returned phone calls.)  With having a baby and adjusting to three kids....okay, no excuses.  It was hard to visit her and I hadn't tried hard enough to do it in several months.  So as I drove home I thought of her.  And then I thought, "If she is home, I'm going to be at her house for a long time.  And she will be angry about her life and I will be up really late and so will Bellana, who is already tired and ready to go to bed.  And it will take a lot of emotional energy to deal with it.  And I love her but I don't know if I want to put forth that energy tonight."

And the thought came, Go.

And I thought, "I don't want to go.  I want to go home and put my baby to bed and spend some time with my husband."

And the thought came, Go.

I thought, "Ugh!"

Go.

"Fine!  I will go, even though I really, really don't want to." Said with extreme bitterness.  Then, more humbly, "Please help me to have a better attitude about this."

I wasn't far from her house, so it didn't take long to get there.  When I pulled up, I saw a "For Rent" sign in the front yard.  Suddenly, fear clenched my heart.  All at once I realized that her daughter (who is also in my Primary class) had been absent for over a month.  She was often absent when visiting her dad or going with her mom on a job.  But this had been a long while.  With General Conference and Stake Conference I hadn't noticed.  Had she moved?  Was I the worst visiting teacher/Primary teacher ever?  I saw a light on, but I wasn't sure if it was her or the roommate she lived with.  I rang the doorbell, hoping it would be her, but determined to get information from the roommate at least.  No answer.  I knocked.  No answer.  But her dog barked, so I wasn't completely discouraged.  I got back in the car and was pulling away when I saw her silhouette in the window.  Then she opened the door.

She was moving--in 6 days!  I came in and she lit up when she got to hold Bellana.  We talked about some needs she had and about how good this move would be for her (to be closer to her work.)  I arranged to find some boxes for her and to get the Elders' Quorum over to help load the truck.  I hugged her daughter goodbye, gave them the cookies, and left.

On the way home I said a very humble prayer of repentance and gratitude.  How grateful I am that Heavenly Father arranged for me to say goodbye to them!  He nearly had to hit me over the head with it, but He didn't give up on me.  And then I realized that the suggestion to go to Stephanie's house had been part of this.  God knew that if I was home, lazing about and enjoying my personal time I would be far less likely to act on the thought to visit Maria.  (As in, pretty much wouldn't happen.)  But He made sure I was placed in a situation where it would be easier for me to make the right choice.  I am ashamed that He would have to arrange it that way and that I'm not so supremely obedient and spiritually sensitive that I would just jump up and do it immediately.  (I'm trying to be that way.  I want to be that person.)  I was also so moved to see that even though I am not that person yet, God loves me and is trying to bless me.  If only I will let Him.