Big, Big Changes

I have been dissatisfied with how our lives are going for a long time--not unhappy, just aware that we can do better.

Behold.
Oops, wrong angle.

This would be cute except for the fact that she was so engrossed in Dora or some other inane show that she didn't even notice me standing there taking pictures. [Note: We do not have cable, or even local channels through a converter box. I would never pay for that. But we have movies, and we have free access to my brother's Netflix plan.] The sad thing is, this scenario was becoming a common occurance. I hate how easy it is to turn on the tv and let her brain turn to mush so I can accomplish my own agenda for the day. She was missing out on the opportunity to learn from me, because it was less stressful for me to do the dishes/laundry/whatever without her around. When I wanted my computer time, the tv was a welcome distraction. With how sick I've been this pregnancy (though, luckily, not as sick as last time)--oh, and tired--I couldn't resist her pleading "Dora! Dora! Care Bears! Care Bears!" for very long. The begging would start in the morning before she'd even had breakfast, and go all day. When I said "no" I knew I was just delaying the inevitable--she would get her shows as soon as I was tired. I started to realize that I hated the tv.

I also hated the computer. Hold on, let me rephrase that. I LOVED the computer, but I hated the time I spent on it. Before Annalee was born, Nathan and I had spent most of our free time on our respective computers, either playing games with each other or pursuing our own interests. We enjoyed it. We felt good about it.After Annalee was a few months old we realized that we were spending too much time online and not enough time with her. So we combined our towers with a switch that hooked them both up to one monitor, so that only one of us could be on at a time. The idea was that while that person was on s/he would be conscious of the other person who wished s/he was on, and would spend less time.

Great idea, huh?

That's not what happened.

Instead, one of us was always on the computer, while the other one was "stuck" with taking care of our daughter. Naturally, Annalee saw the value we put on the the computer, and wanted to be on it too. I thought about what I wanted my home environment to be like, what I wanted my children to value, and I knew this wasn't it. Even if we placed time limits on her computer use (when she got old enough to use it) she would still wish she was playing all the time, long for it, because that was what we had shown her was important. The realization made me miserable.

A few weeks ago I was in Sacrament Meeting without Nathan, who was home sick. It was Dry Council--uh, I mean--High Council Sunday, so I was preparing to be bored (I'm sad to say) but then the first speaker nailed me to my bench. The topic of the meeting was Motherhood, and they spoke from the talks given in the last General Conference. (I was going to post which ones, but it seems like a fourth of them were about mothers/parents! I don't remember!) The words spoke directly to me. What kind of home did I want to have? I was the one who would determine it, it was up to me. I thought of a Celtic song I had heard once. In it, a mother sings "I am the hearth" that gives warmth and light to the home, that gathers her loved ones close. A mother IS the home. So, why couldn't I change things, change them drastically?

I was so excited when I got home, but nervous too. My husband is very supportive of me and my plans, but it's hard for anyone to be asked to make big changes if they're not ready to make them. I told Nathan that I'd had a really spiritual Sacrament Meeting. "That's great!" he smiled. "Well," I said, "it may not be so great, because I want to change some things." And then I told him. And he said yes. And I burst into tears. And he said, "Why are you crying? Did you think I wouldn't do it?" I just hugged him and hugged him. I was crying because I was so happy to have a husband with whom I am equally yoked, who wants to get to the same place I do. I know many people who are not so fortunate.

Big Change 1: Bye-bye, entertainment center.

In the past, when I was annoyed with the time we were spending with the tv, I had taken the tv out and stored it in a back bedroom. After a week or so, however, it always found it's way back. That's why I knew that this time, the tv and it's "shrine" had to go. I love this entertainment center. We got it when my Grandpa van der Beek died. It is big and beautiful, and I decorated each shelf with figurines and photos, just the way I wanted it. But it never stayed beautiful, because every day wiimotes, used kleenexes, viewed movies, and all other kinds of junk would find its way onto the shelves, hiding or even knocking over my knick knacks. I finally looked at it and thought "Junk! Clutter!" It just always looked so bad! So it is gone. The tv, the game systems, the games, the knick knacks, all gone.

In it's place are my two couches, facing each other for easy conversation. And a toy box. Which Annalee now uses!!!! The first day the entertainment center was gone she whined and whined for a movie. Then she started playing with toys again! I am amazed at the cute creative play she comes up with now, and ashamed that I was stunting it before. [deep breath] It's gone.

Big Change 2: The computer is not that cool.

Okay, so we still love it. But we're not going to let our kids know! Except for Nathan's homework or a real estate project that can't wait, the computer is OFF when Annalee is awake. Right now she's asleep, so I can type all I want. But when she wakes up, I am going to play with her. Or do chores with her. One of her favorite things to do is wash the dishes. I can always get her to clean up her toys in the living room if the reward is that she will get to wash the dishes! Nathan and I are now more involved in our daughter and each other. I have found time I didn't know I had in the evenings to get things done while my daughter's asleep and my husband's doing homework. I love, love, love this rule.

Big Change 3: Bye-bye everything we don't need.

I recently read an article about Tiny Houses. This wasn't it, but it's similar. Basically, some people are building tiny houses, less than 100 sq ft, on the backs of trailers that can be towed behind a car. They live wherever they want, have no mortgage, pay less than $100 a YEAR in utilities (they use propane and a composting toilet) and only have what they really need. They are able to focus their time on what they really want to do, instead of focusing on making money to support what they don't really need. This concept made a big impression on me. I know that having more stuff doesn't make me happy--it makes me a slave to my stuff. It's a proven fact that the happiest people are those who don't have very much and don't care (there have been a lot of studies done.) Also, the Gospel teaches us that happiness can be found not in what we have, but how we live.

So I believe it. Then why, oh, why am I always trying to get more stuff? It's not like I'm totally material. I always buy very used cars. I shop at garage sales and my favorite furniture is usually free from family. We collect the perfectly good VHS that all the DVD converts practically give away. We don't need to have the biggest or best of anything. But we still have a dang lot of stuff! One of my other stresses that has been building for months is what we are going to do about the baby's room. We have three bedrooms upstairs, perfect for us and our soon-to-be two kids. But that third bedroom/office has become the repository of everything when we don't know what to do it. Recently I had to clean it up because Nathan's mom was going to be spending the night, but I still didn't know what to do with it! I was so frustrated. It was junky. It was cluttered. It looked like the Collyer brothers' house. It was scary. There were three large bookshelves, taller than I am, filled with books we don't read. We love them, we have read them many times in the past, but right now we are so busy that we mostly read new books as they come out and don't have time for the old ones. Plus, we have access to the city library. Good-bye books. Good-bye shelves. See how ya like cold storage.

We also had two large shelves of movies. (Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of starting a project without taking a "before" picture, so this is the "after".) Some of which we had never watched! That is, we had seen the movie at one time, then spotted the VHS for $.50 at a yard sale and snagged it. Just so it could sit on our shelf while we watch new movies. I sorted the movies into totes, and was sickened to find--even after getting rid of some--that they filled four boxes! Granted, these are mostly fat VHS, but WHY do we have 4 totes of something we don't use?!!! Bye-bye! We'll see you when we have a house with a family room in the basement! (Our house now technically has a family room in the basement, but since my brother occupies the downstairs, we really only have a one-level 3 bedroom 1000 sq ft house.)

I took a trunk-load of stuff to the thrift store. I am sooooo ready to toss anything that is complicating our lives. (Too bad I can't toss Nathan's homework.) I still have more to go through, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. And I am happy.

The other day I walked into the living room (a.k.a. media-worship room of the past) and found this scene. Yes, I am very, very happy.

There will be more changes in the future, because we are agents unto ourselves, to act and not to be acted upon. If we are unhappy, or if we are getting off track, we can change. I want my kids to learn that.

Nathan and I have played some board games after Annalee is in bed (when he doesn't have too much homework.) The result was that he killed me in Scrabble and I slaughtered him in UpWords.

Happy. Happy. Happy.