My Addiction

How easy it has been for me to look at people who are addicted to stuff like alcohol, tobacco, and drugs and say, "What are they thinking?"  And also, to maybe think that I am a little bit better than they are.
I'm not smoking, so I must be doing well, right?  I mean, I'm not perfect or anything, but at least I don't drink beer.  I can feel good about that.  No matter what problems I have, I can feel good about myself because someone has worse problems than me. 
Wait...putting others down so you can feel good...isn't that immature?  (And lame.)

So here's the truth:  I am addicted to eating.

 

 

I have known it deep down for a while, but every time the thought asks for attention I sedate it with justifications about how it isn't as bad as other addictions.  Then I stomp on it with a package of Oreos.  Mint Doublestuff.

How bad is it?  I am ashamed to say.  But all the times I've "tried" to change before didn't work because I wasn't completely honest with myself.  The first step is admitting you have a problem.  Here's my problem:

• I eat because I am bored
• I eat because I am tired
• I eat because I am stressed
• I eat because I am sad
• I eat to celebrate something
• I eat to reward myself
• I eat junk food when the kids are in bed, not because I'm hungry, but because they aren't around and it's "me time"
• I eat a full meal (probably more like two full meals) and then I start snacking right afterward
• I eat to socialize
• I eat to spend time with my husband
• I eat (a lot) if it's free, like at a potluck
• I eat because I am thirsty  (What?!  I EAT, not drink, because I am thirsty!)
• I can eat a dozen donuts within a day . . . a day . . . just because they are there (they are there because it's cheaper, per donut, to buy them in a dozen)
• I eat something even if it doesn't taste good (like cake that's too dry with frosting that tastes like shortening) just because I think it should taste good

So those are just a few of the reasons I eat.  But it gets worse.  Here are the consequences:

• I am fat
• None of my clothes fit
• I feel bad about myself
• I make sure there are not very many pictures of me (Sad.)
• I can't run around and play with my kids (Really sad.)
• My pregnancies are harder than they should be
• I am so fat that I get hot really easily (I feel sick when I'm too hot in the summer.  We spend a lot of money on air conditioning.  I don't go anywhere during the hot part of the day.  I have several pretty sweaters that I can't wear.  We have to live where it snows.)

If that was all it would be bad enough, but there's more:

• My once-active husband has become sedentary because I'm not active
• Because of how I feel about myself (not attractive), my marriage has suffered
• MY DAUGHTER IS STARTING TO EAT LIKE I DO

And worst of all:

• My baby has woken up countless nights with horribly painful gas because of my diet while I've been nursing him.

Ouch.  That was hard to type.  What kind of mother am I?  I know that kids often have gas cramps for no reason.  But I also know, for certain, that most of the nights he has woken up in the past six months were because of what I ate.  The more bad stuff I ate, the more he woke up scrunching his legs, twisting his body, and crying to his mommy to make it stop.  But I didn't stop.

I've known I needed to get control back, but I didn't want to.  I LIKE eating lots of yummy, rich food.  It's pleasurable.  I didn't want to give that up.  Also, I was afraid to try and fail.  I decided I would not try to be healthy until I was sure I was completely committed and wouldn't fail. 
But what's wrong with that idea?  I realized recently that that line of thought is like saying "I won't get baptized until I'm sure I won't sin anymore.  I don't want to be a hypocrite."

Here's the thing: I am not perfect.  (Whoa!  Pretend you didn't read that!  I don't want anyone to know!)  Yeah, that's right, I WILL fail . . . that is, I will, at some point, eat something that is not 100% healthy.  SHOCKER!  But that's no reason to give up and go to h#ll!  Just like I can repent when I do something wrong, I can move on from bad food choices and be good again.  Why did I think it was an all-or-nothing thing?  Not really sure.  It wasn't something I truly reasoned out, it was subconscious, I guess.  Dumb subconscious.
But the thing that finally helped me decide to change was when one day, when I was upset and stressed about something (an average-stay-at-home-mom kind of something), I dealt with the problem and then headed for the snack cupboard for "well deserved" comfort.  Suddenly I realized I was turning to food with my problems instead of turning to the Lord.  I was looking for comfort food instead of the Comforter.  It blew my mind.  Had I really turned junk food into a modern-day idol?  A god?  A lot of people might think I am overreacting or being overzealous, but the Spirit of the Lord told me that I had a problem.  I had let overeating come between me and every important person in my life, until at last it had come between me and my Heavenly Father.

Even then, it took me a while to get up enough guts to change.  I started on Vander's birthday.  I've only been at it for three days.  But these have been a good three days.  I am changing the way I think.

• I don't need food to have fun
• Food does not control me
• Simple foods, unslathered and condimented, have enjoyable tastes and textures
• When I'm full I should STOP EATING
• Most of the time I am thirsty, not hungry.  (Pssst!  That means, get a drink!)
• When I'm bored, I can find other things to do
• If I feel the need for something in my mouth, I can chew gum
• Being active is the kind of life I want for my family
• I don't have to be who I was

I am going to win this time.  Why?  Because someone is helping me who never fails.  On my own, I know I would cave and go back to who I was.  But Jesus Christ is lifting me to something better, telling me to leave behind the natural man.  Because of His atonement I know I can change, become more, become who I am supposed to be.  Now that's something to get addicted to.