When You Don't Know What to Do

Any of you on Facebook already know by now, but for everyone else, I was 8 weeks pregnant and expecting a baby in May, but last night I miscarried. This is going to be a bit of a serious post, but I hope you will read it. First, I want to tell you how we are doing, Second, I'd like to give some tips for what you can do when someone you care about has a miscarriage, and Third, I'd like to explain the basics of an early miscarriage for those who don't know (I didn't use to).

This is our second miscarriage (the first was before Annalee, in March 2007) and going through it again is almost doubly painful because of the memories it brings up from before. Strangely, though, I am actually coping better this time. For one thing, I know that we can have children, which was a major concern with the first miscarriage. Also, I was more spiritually prepared to handle this now than I was in 2007. Back then I was letting the important details slide; I didn't read my scriptures or pray very much. I went to Church every Sunday and to Mutual every Tuesday, but I was just going through the motions, forgetting how much I really needed God even if my life was good. Well, then life got bad, really bad. I still knew the Church was true, of course, but I didn't have the faith necessary to help me through the trial. I didn't qualify for the comforting presence of the Holy Ghost. And I was angry at God. I believed in Him, and I knew that He could have saved my child, and I couldn't forgive Him for deciding not to. I dropped into a deep depression that lasted about 6 months. If I was just going through the motions before, now I was a hollow automaton. I did what I was "supposed" to do but my heart wasn't in it. What made things even more difficult was that EVERYONE I knew was pregnant. Both of Nathan's married sisters and his sister-in-law were expecting. My sister was expecting. All of our friends were expecting. In fact, every person in our ward who could still bear a child had decided to do so--I'm not kidding! And our best friends had gotten pregnant just two weeks after we had, and we'd been looking forward to our little ones playing together. I couldn't be happy for anyone. I was just angry and incredibly miserable. It took me the full 6 months to realize that the only one I had to blame for my unhappiness was myself. I wasn't punishing God with my anger, but I was punishing my husband and myself. I started praying for forgiveness and keeping the commandments again. Little by little the Spirit returned and I suddenly found I could be happy again. Coincidentally, right after that we got pregnant with Annalee.
A few months ago I started getting promptings that we would soon be facing another trial in our lives. I didn't know what it would be, but I knew that I didn't want to make the same mistake again. I refocused my efforts to keep the commandments and stay close to the Spirit. When we became pregnant I wondered if it might end in miscarriage again, but tried to have faith that it wouldn't. When I started bleeding Wednesday night I bawled for a few hours. We didn't know it was over for sure until last night around 1:00 a.m. but by that time I had cried enough. We felt the strength of the prayers of the few people that knew what was going on. My sister and her husband even fasted for us. Perhaps everyone feels that their prayers weren't answered because they were praying that the baby would live. But the truth is that your prayers helped us to be strong and accept the Lord's will with humility and gratitude for the blessings we have and the family and friends that love us. That is why we are okay.

Do's and Don't's when Someone has had a Miscarriage.

I thought I'd talk a little about this because I didn't know what to do when one of my friends had two miscarriages, and I wish someone would have told me. Here are some of my own ideas of what would and wouldn't help.

Do

• Send a sympathy card--a small gesture that surprisingly means a lot. Flowers are great too.
  
• Simply say, "I'm so sorry for your loss" once, and then don't talk about it again unless they bring it up.
• Listen if they bring it up and want to talk about it.
• Ask if they would like you to call anyone to break the news. It's hard to tell the sad story over and over, and sometimes it's easier if someone does it for you. If they don't want anyone else to know, then respect their privacy and keep it to yourself.
• Give them a stuffed animal or small baby blanket if you are especially close to the person and know how the gift would be received. One of the worst things about a miscarriage is having empty arms. (But make sure you know the person well, or this gift could be upsetting to them because it could seem to mock the baby they won't have.)
• Offer to help pack up the baby stuff and the nursery, especially if the miscarriage happened later in the pregnancy.
• Offer to do specific things to help, like babysitting so the parents can have some time alone when they don't have to put on a brave face for the kids, or offer to bring in some dinner. Specific offers mean so much more than "Let me know if I can do anything to help."
  
• Tell them you are praying for them, and then do it.
• Give hugs.
  

Don't

• Avoid the person because you feel awkward.
• Ask "What happened?" or "What was wrong?" We'd like to believe that miscarriage can be prevented. Before I miscarried I did not know that nearly every miscarriage is a mystery, and no one ever knows why it happened. But it will make the mom feel like it was something she did if she hears this question.
• Look on the bright side. DON'T! That is something the couple has to do on their own. If I think "Well, at least it happened earlier rather than later in the pregnancy," then that is okay, but if someone else says it to me I am only going to think "You insensitive Neanderthal! There is NOTHING good about this situation! There IS NO bright side!" This goes for all things like "Maybe it just wasn't time" or "At least now you don't have morning sickness!" or "Maybe God needed a special little angel by His side."
  
• Talk about Church doctrine. The truth is, there is no doctrine about what happens to babies that die before they are born. Everyone has their personal opinion, and it should stay personal. If someone believes that they are going to get to raise unborn children in the Resurrection and that comforts them, don't take that comfort away. On the other hand, if they believe that those spirits will be born in a different body (possibly to a different person) then don't try to sell them your sunshine "you'll be together someday" because they'll think 1) What an idiot and 2) Go away!
• Rattle on and on with your own story about your miscarriage (or worse) a story about someone you know. It may sound like a good way to show empathy, but it usually comes across as drawing attention to yourself and minimizing their pain because you've "been there, done that." You can say, "We had a miscarriage too, and I know how awful it is. I'm so sorry."
  

I thought it would be helpful to mention the mechanics of an early miscarriage (before 10 weeks) so you know what the person is going through. Often, the first sign of a miscarriage is bleeding. Because some spotting is normal during pregnancy this is an agonizing find. They think it might be bad, but hope it's not. It gets a little worse, then it tapers off a little. They hope, they fear. Then, maybe a few days later, there will be a lot of blood--way more than a normal period--with a lot of blood clots and tissue coming out. (There is no "baby" to see, just a lot of clots and gray tissue.) They will probably have to live on the toilet for a few hours. It hurts like a really bad period, with cramping and back pain. Then the bleeding will taper off over the next few days like the end of a period. Sometimes a D&C procedure is desired or necessary to remove all of the tissue.

So, now you know. I hope this is helpful to someone. Basically, you can't go wrong with saying "I'm sorry for your loss" and then shutting your mouth. Thank you for your prayers and well-wishes. We have such good friends!