Change begets change

Annalee woke up a few hours after she'd gone to bed because she needed to use the bathroom.  She's always a little bit "out of it" when she wakes up in the night, often crying for no reason or becoming disoriented about where things are or what she is doing.  As she washed her hands she started crying,
"Mommy, I just really want you to play a game with me!"
"How about if I sing you a song before you go back to bed?"

I helped her finish washing up and then we snuggled together on my recliner.  She was muttering something and I asked her to repeat it.
"I'm a big sister, no matter how old Vander gets I will always be his big sister."  That was a conversation we'd had a few days ago.

I sang her a song I made up on the spot about what a good sister she is, what a good daughter, how much her parents love her.  She fell asleep before I was done, with her head nestled in my shoulder.  I was going to carry her back to bed, but instead, I just held her, rocking and thinking.
Tonight I put a three year old to bed.  Tomorrow morning a four year old with wander out and say in a high voice "Good morning, Mommy!"

I thought about what kind of a mom I have been.  What kind of a mom I am now.  What kind I really want to be.

I'm not a bad mom.  But I could be better.  And what is the main thing that is holding me back?  The computer.  I rely on it too much to entertain Annalee.  I spend to much time on it myself--time I should be tickling and playing with my kids.  Two years ago when Annalee was two we made some big changes to try to stop me from relying on movies to entertain Annalee.  And here we are--two years later--with the same problem with the computer.  She's twice as old as she was then, but things haven't changed as much as I'd like.  Do I want things to still be this way when she is twice as old as she is now?
It occurs to me that even though I want to be a stay-at-home mom I haven't fully embraced it.  I have been trying to hang on to things that I had before motherhood, mainly, the time to pursue my own interests whenever I want (books, computer, games, phone calls, etc.)  Those things are still possible during motherhood, of course, but just not to the degree that they were before.  I have been trying to have it both ways. 
But that leaves me with a problem: the things I value in a good mom are not the things I am doing.
I'm not talking about some ridiculous, unattainable perfection.  I'm not trying and failing.  I'm just not trying in a lot of cases.  Now, my kids are loved, well-fed, and taken care of.  They are happy.  But they are missing out on the kind of mom I could really be if I tried.
When Annalee cried and asked me to play a game with her, my first thought was to chalk it up to her nightly crazy-talk.  (She has also cried about being squished like a worm.)  But as I sat there rocking her I thought of all the times during the day when I am doing something I enjoy and she interrupts me, Mommy, will you play a game with me?  Mommy, can I help you make dinner?  Mommy, I want you to come watch this show with me.  Mommy, can I sit on your lap?  Mommy, look at me do this!

I'm more interested in my stuff than their stuff.  I don't like to play kids' games.  I get really really really bored with many of the things they find interesting.  But I need to change my attitude.  In the same way I changed my perceptions about eating, I need to change my perceptions about spending time with my kids.  I don't like vegetables.  But after eating them a lot and working to alter my thinking, I enjoy them much more.  It was really hard to give up all the junk food because I LIKED it.  It will be hard to give up my more selfish pursuits because I like them too.  But I can change.  I will be better for it.  And so will my children.

I carried her back to bed and covered her up with her pink horsey blanket.  Then I whispered "I love you" to my three year old for the last time.